Acceptance
by JosieCarioca
Summary: One-shot. Severus Snape contemplates life and fatherhood. Takes place 7 years after "The Visit" (Severus Snape x Evelyn Black /ft.Soren Snape)


October, 31, 2005

Severus didn´t want a child.

And yet...here it was...

Severus approached the cradle with feather light footsteps. It was a simple but elegant piece of furniture, made out of heavy and dark oak wood...an heirloom of Evelyn´s family, that her mother had insisted on giving them. A wealth of delicate white and blue covers and a veil of rich Irish lace protected it´s tiny occupant from the late October chill.

His long fingers drew back the covers to reveal the child to his sleep deprived eyes. A child who was no more than an hour old. A child that wasn´t expected. A mistake that shouldn´t have happened, as far as his father had been concerned.

He didn´t want a child...

Most people take parental instinct for granted...They imagine it´s only natural for parents to love their children. It just happened...But Severus knew better...In fact he knew from experience that it just wasn´t that simple...Nowhere near that simple...

And that was precisely the reason he had never considered fatherhood, even after his marriage to Evelyn. It just wasn´t in te realm of possibilities. After all, what kind of father would he be? He couldn´t see himself changing soiled diapers, reading bedtime stories, blowing up coloured balloons for birthday party decorations...Making sacrifices, facing the ridiculous, abdicating from everything...just because of a genetic connection to a child who, most likely, would never really appreciate it... On top of it, he was getting old. He was 45 years old. That was no age to be starting a family. And he had imagined Evelyn felt the same. They had never discussed it, but she knew him well enough to be aware of his position, and she decided to marry him anyway. It was safe to assume children were not among her priorities either.

When she told him of the news, she had done so in an grave almost mournful way...He had just sat there, for a quarter of an hour trying to digest it. She let him be. Evelyn knew him, she knew there would be no fireworks, no smiles, no tears of joy. But maybe she had expected him to be a bit more mature about it.

He wasn´t.

"How could this happen?...It´s a mistake...You shouldn´t have...We shouldn´t have...We just can´t do this..."

He didn´t even remember what had come out of his mouth...It was a torrent of nonsense and nothing more... She never answered. Evelyn just let him babble for what felt like hours. She stood there and listened to it all, never uttering a word. When he was finally done, she still stood there, silent. Her eyes were watering, and she bit her lower lip, fighting back the tears.

"Are you done, Severus?"

"This is obviously...I mean, we can´t...I can´t...You knew it when you married me..."

"I didn´t plan this, if that´s what you´re getting at..."

"I know!" He almost screamed. Taking a deep breath he lowered his voice "It´s just...there´s no place for this..."

"This? What do you mean by 'this', Severus?"

How could he get her to understand? It had taken him decades to open a space in his life, a space for someone who wasn´t Lily... It took him decades and effort, so much effort...And he had done it, he had made room for her in life. More than that, he had made his life revolve around her, he had given her that place in his life that had once belonged to Lily...

A second person didn´t fit that space... There was no room...

He couldn´t expect her to understand that. It would be asking to much of her...of any woman probably...But Evelyn had made it quite was free to turn his back on the baby, but if he did, it was over between them. In fact, he had expected her to do exactly that...Quite frankly, he would have been disappointed if she had done otherwise. She put her child first, before him, and he knew that kind of attitude was exactly the reason he respected and loved her. Still, she left him little choice...

It´s common for men to stay with a woman they don´t love for the sake of a child they do love. Trust Severus Snape to go against all normal expectations...He, had stayed to welcome a child he didn´t want for the sake of a woman he loved more than anything.

He didn´t want a child.

And yet...here it was...

No, not "it"... "He". He was a boy. He had hoped for a girl. Maybe a girl would be easier to love... A girl who took after her mother... Yes, it would definitely be easier... For the long months before the delivery, Severus had held very few hopes about the child other than hoping it was a girl.

In fact for the first few months he hadn´t even followed Evelyn´s pregnancy... After that first exchange, the tension in their house had become unbearable for both. They argued frequently. One morning Evelyn packed up and left. Back to Ireland. To her mother´s house.

For the second time in his life Severus had to put his tail between his legs, and go after a woman to apologize. To ask for forgiveness, to beg for forgiveness. For the second time in his life he had stood for hours on end in front of a closed door, hoping, praying, imploring. For the second time in his life he had stood in plain view of anyone, not minding the shame, waiting like a stray dog waits outside a house hoping for a bone to be tossed out.

But this time around, he was given a second chance.

He had his mother-in-law to thank for this. Sophia had almost forced her daughter to talk to him, because, according to her "that was no way to treat a husband". Mind you the woman didn´t even like him all that much, but to her marriage was so sacred she would even support his cause. Bless her antiquate, conservative, catholic ways...

Severus Snape was not a man to profess undying love through words and discourses. He was never one to show affection in public. But that day he did it. He would have done anything. In front of his muggle mother-in-law, and his muggle sister-in-law Severus Snape, one of the most powerful wizards in existence, had asked for a second chance, had promised his wife to be by her side, promised to try his best not to fail her, promised to try to(at least) be a decent father. He had begged, like any ordinary man, like any man in love.

She returned to him, and they moved on. For months he watched as the child grew inside her womb. He would be lying if he said he felt nothing. It wasn´t joy per se, nor was it anticipation... But rather.. something akin to tenderness. Evelyn was happy...more than that she was anxious. Severus couldn´t say that didn´t affect him...That her constant smile, her joy at the slightest movement of the child, her glowing cheeks and softer forms didn´t affect him. He was sure there was something purely instinctive about the way he felt about her during those months.

For months he had been the most attentive father-to-be the world had ever seen. Maybe it was guilt or maybe just concern. Evelyn was 42. Any pregnancy at that age was delicate, but hers was particularly difficult. She was constantly tired, frequently nauseous, sometimes dizzy or sleepy. And then came the mood swings... Instead of loosing his temper, Severus just obliged her. For months he took all the abuse she dished out on him whenever her hormones were making her erratic, he gave her whatever she wanted, he did whatever she asked.

But it was easy to be the perfect father when the baby was nothing but a concept. Sometimes he would simply forget that at the end of the road there was a child. In fact caring obsessively for his wife was an excellent way to distract himself from the thought. But when he remembered it, he remembered that he didn´t want to be a father, he remembered he would be bound for life to something he hadn´t planned, something he hadn´t chosen, something he hadn´t wanted. He remembered that everything would change, that Evelyn wouldn´t be only his any longer, that the delicate balance they had arduously achieved in their relationship would be shattered...At those moments he hated that baby...Then he hated himself for hating a person who wasn´t even born yet.

Evelyn had gone into labor on the 30th of October, in the middle of the night. A cold and stormy night. For whatever reason she had decided to have the child at home, and not in a hospital. When the day arrived he cursed the moment he had agreed to it. The healer had asked him if he wished to be with his wife for the delivery. He said no. He couldn´t. Simply couldn´t. He felt like a coward for leaving her alone, but he couldn´t. What good would he do if he was there, anyway?

Waiting on the hallway as the heavy rain poured outside, Severus agonized for hours... Hours and hours...Hours that passed slowly and inexorably one after the other making their way into a dark and never-ending night... As the clock stroke midnight, Severus felt a shiver down his spine.

October 31st.

Of all days of the year he dreaded October 31st the most. The day Lily had been killed. The day that had changed his life and almost destroyed it. The hours passed and he found himself, for the first time, wishing that baby was born. For the first time he found himself anticipating the moment it would cry for the first time. But the hours passed and he heard nothing but Evelyn´s grunts and moans inside the bedroom. No crying. It wasn´t over...

The rain stopped and the sun came out...a cold Autumn morning filled the hallway with its greyish-white glow...He felt his heart sink into his chest.

October 31st...

Halloween Day...

The day the dead walk the earth...

The day Lily had died...

Once again, Severus Snape could feel everything he cared for slipping through his fingers, as he stood powerless, unable to hold on... Inside the bedroom, Evelyn´s moans grew fainter and faiter... She was exhausted, in pain...She might not make it... All because of that child he didn´t want...

Then there was silence. The sense of dread that filled him was like nothing he had ever felt before. But it lasted only a few seconds. Then the child cried.

Finally.

And there he was. Soren... Soren Prince Snape. Evelyn had chosen his first name. Apparently "Soren" was a synonym for "Severus", in Danish...or something to that effect, he wasn´t sure... Prince was his choice for a middle name. An homage to his mother. Had it been a girl they would have named her Eileen...

Soren Prince Snape... A bit too pompous for such a small child, wasn´t it?

Severus looked at the boy, taking in every little detail. It was so small... For a moment he wondered if he wasn´t too small...But what did he know about babies? Severus´s stretched out his hand, ever so carefully, and lightly touched the baby´s head. Soren was born with a full head of very fine black hair, that stood up a bit on the top. He felt the soft scalp under his fingertips, but retracted his hand as it touched the soft spot. Yes, he had forgotten about those tricky details of a baby´s anatomy...Details that made them so delicate to handle...Too delicate to handle.

He wondered how long it would take him to muster the courage to pick it up for the first time...It was just too small, too fragile...The baby blue clothes he was dressed in looked like they could fit a child twice his size... The over-long sleeves almost covered his hands...Severus took one of the tiny hands into his. Soren moved, and grabbed one of his father´s fingers...Severus just let him be for a while, and he calmed down. Then he pried the minuscule fingers from his own and opened the little hand. The fingers were long like those of Severus himself...His grip was strong...

It was a hand that, one day, would hold a wand with ease and confidence. A small smile formed itself on Severus´face at the realization...Yes, one day... That child had the blood of the Prince family and the Black family...He was the firstborn son of Severus Snape...One day he would be a great wizard, it was only obvious...A great Slytherin wizard...Maybe a Ravenclaw, if he took after his mother...Yes, he could settle for a Ravenclaw son...In any case, he would be a great wizard. Severus was sure of that.

Lost in his momentary reverie, Severus barely noticed Soren had woken up... The boy let out some moans, and for a minute looked as if he would start crying. A small rush of panic ran through Severus. Evelyn was sound asleep on the bed and after hours of labour would be in no shape to help him soothe the baby if he started crying. But fortunately he didn´t. Soren just looked up at him, his big dark eyes oddly focused. Did he recognise the man looking down on him? No, that was a stupid idea... Newborn children can´t recognize anybody...But as Soren looked up and frowned ever so slightly, Severus could´t help but think that this seemingly grave expression might be an early indication of a thoughtful, maybe even inquisitive nature. He chuckled...at this age a "thoughtful expresssion" usually meant no more than a bowel movement... Still he held his child´s gaze, trying to find a hint of colour in his eyes. Would they be golden brown like his mother´s or black like his own? Impossible to know...

He did hope Soren wouldn´t have his nose, though...A vain hope, he knew...All the men in the Snape family had it...I was a sort of family curse, so to speak. Soren was a Snape, hence he would have his nose, simple as that...There would be some school-yard bullying in store for him... Hopefully he might have some of his mother´s good-looks...well, it was quite obvious he, at least, had her eyebrows and chin...

Soren´s eyelids were heavy now...Once again Severus let his fingertips touch the top of his head, hoping that awkward caress would soothe him into sleeping. It seemed to work. The little body relaxed, the tiny hands closed into fists, his belly moving up and down with the regular rhythm of his breathing.

Severus was tired as well, his eyes burned, and his back hurt...Well, he was getting old...He fixed the veils back in place, covering the cradle so the morning light wouldn´t disturb Soren´s sleep. Then he kicked off his shoes and laid down besides Evelyn, too tired to even take his clothes off...

Severus didn´t want a child.

And yet...here he was...His son...

His son, Soren Prince Snape...


End file.
